This is a blog post for girls. I mean guys, feel free to read this as well, but this is specifically for girls. I think we need to talk about something serious. You may have heard this before but this time, this time I actually want you to allow the words to reach your heart and change you. I need these words as much as anybody else out there, maybe more. So these words are not “my words” yes I may be the hand that presses that blue publish button but I am fully expecting the Lord to throw down some truth in this post, so I’m just going to step back, let God speak, and move my little fingers to the keys He decides.
For some odd reason, I always listen to music when I am writing. Not the classical stuff that is supposed to help you concentrate, but music with a pretty heavy beat and lyrics. I have tried to trick myself into thinking that it helps me focus but truthfully, I love listening to music so much and any chance I get to listen to really good music, I take the advantage, it does nothing to help me concentrate. For someone who is pretty introspective and a big thinker, I don’t spend very much time in silence. I am writing this post pretty late at night and, as a creature of habit, I pull up some music and press play. As I was starting this post, not really knowing what to write, I realized one reason why I always listen to music when I write. I am scared of the silence. I am scared of allowing my thoughts to take up the room I am in. I am scared to allow myself to fully think through what God may be wanting me to write. The music helps keep part of my mind occupied while the other part writes.
So I turned the music off, not knowing what this will bring and whether or not I will actually publish this. If I do, take note that I am scared to let you into this part of my heart. Ladies (and the few guys who are still reading this) these are real thoughts and real feelings that I haven’t even allowed myself to think through yet. Please handle these with care.
I have moved to a brand new place. I have been given a clean slate and I cannot be more thankful for that. But new territory always brings a light onto areas of our hearts that we haven’t dealt with yet.
A while ago I ran into an old friend of mine. It was an interesting course of events, bumping into each other and getting to catch up, and one that has left me really upset with myself.
I love this girl dearly. She is amazing and such a wonderful person. But when I first saw her, It was this immediate war I started in my head. The moment she walked into the room (keep in mind, I didn’t expect to see her so I didn’t have any time to prepare myself) I was sad and upset. She was beautiful and I was sad/upset about it. I was upset that she could be so effortlessly beautiful. I was angry that she was perfect in every way that I was not. I was sad that I wasn’t as fortunate as she was to have the perfect appearance. The time away seemed to flourish her and in an instant, I turned into a jealous beast.
After a genuine conversation disguising a mind taking in every single detail of her wishing that if I just documented everything about her it would somehow transfer to me, I came home and went to bed. The next morning, I woke up to the face I wish looked differently and a heart set on fixing the imperfections. So I busted out my makeup and started working. For days I decided I would start becoming her. I wanted perfect eyebrows so I spent so much time trying to make mine exactly like hers. I wanted hair that always, I repeat ALWAYS looks good and tame so I started spending hours on it. I wanted a face without any blemishes so I started obsessing over it.
No matter how hard I tried to be her, I couldn’t. The more I tried, the worse I looked. Honestly! The more makeup I wore, the more my face seemed to need it. The more time I spent picking out my outfit, the more I just gave up and threw on some athletic shorts and allowed myself to feel bad about myself. The more I looked at myself in the mirror, the more I saw needed to be changed.
Why do we do this? Why do we allow ourselves to hate the beauty we see in other people. Why does it honestly seem like there is only a certain number of “beautiful” people in the world and every time I see another one, I see it as my chances diminishing? As if I think that Jesus would want to hold back on the beauty He freely gives!!!
But it is true, no matter how many times I tell myself there is room for her and there is room for me, I still don’t believe it. Her success seems to be one more “win” that I don’t get. Her ability to be so effortlessly beautiful is just a reminder of my inability. This “bump into meeting” that I should have been blessed by, left me gasping for a touch of beauty for weeks and weeks later.
So I am done. I am done with this. I am done trying to be beautiful. I am done hating what I see when I look into the mirror and I am done allowing other people’s success to drive me into this ugly beast that I am ashamed of. I am done seeing her beauty as a diss on mine. Because she, whoever the “she” is in your life, is not your competition. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. So we need to stand with the “shes” in our lives. Love them radically and love them until the devil cries for mercy. Fight hard to make sure you don’t allow yourself to turn into the jealous hulk that we are all capable of becoming. This is not a battle against yourself (your image) or anybody else. This is a Heavenly battle between a God who seriously loves you enough to die for you, and an enemy who tries to make you believe that you are nothing worth loving.
The world tells us that beauty is a size and a complexion, a height and a color. But beauty is the quiet after a storm and how quickly the sky composes herself. Beauty is hearing words that once your mouth speaks them, brings tears to your eyes. Beauty is found in the sunrises, sunsets, but also the darkness and the light. Beauty is running in the rain towards new beginnings when all you want to do is hide in the rooms you have called home for many years. Beauty is looking into the eyes of creation and allowing yourself to be in awe. Beauty is the fact that you get to wake up every morning. Beauty is not waking up and wishing you were something else.
“beauty never asks for attention”
Don’t waste your time trying to recreate beauty. It’s not possible. If it was, it would no longer be beautiful.
XOXO, The Christian Prepster