Even though I know nothing

For some very odd reason, there are times in my life where something happens and I just picture God looking down and laughing at me. Not in a, “wow girl you need to get your stuff together, you are a mess” kind of way. But rather in a loving way. I have this image of the King of kings on His mighty thrown, looking towards me with eyes filled with joy laughing at the fact that I know absolutely nothing about what I am doing. He sees me as an innocent daughter that is just trying her best to make this life the most pleasing it can be to Him. I think he laughs at me with a love that I can’t put into words.  I like that. I like that no matter how hard I try to capture the abounding love of Christ, I fail. His love is so much better than anything we can string together using 26 letters.

Recently, I have felt like God was laughing at me many, many times. Just to name a few… every single time I leave our new home (even with a GPS I might add) I manage to take a wrong turn that costs me at least 5 minutes. God laughs because I am terrible with directions, I laugh because no matter how hard I try to act like I know that I am doing, I really don’t.

The best one for sure is this notebook I have with one of my best friends. If anyone of you have been following my blog for awhile, you may notice that the best way I have found to process things in my life or my thoughts, is to journal through them. It’s the reason I have eight journals in my bedside table that get used each day. I was writing in this journal to my friend on a day where I was very depressed because I missed my old home. I missed my people and the church family I had there. With tears in my eyes and a pen in my hand, I allowed myself to finally  process through all of the hurt and sadness I was feeling. In a nutshell, the journal entry was not the most positive and uplifting thing ever.

The next entry was, I kid you not, three days later. This entry is filled with joy and optimism. Grateful for the opportunity to move and meet new people. Thankful for a clean slate and a fresh start. I was literally thanking the Lord for the thing I was angry about just three days earlier. Once I realized how ironic and silly I have been, I pictured God laughing at me. Laughing because I don’t even know how I feel about the life I am living.

But then I realized something beautiful. In both of those times, God was still listening to me. When I was crying and angry with the Lord, He listened. He told me that this broke His heart as well and He can sympathize with the pain I was feeling. When I was grateful and thankful for the move, He was nodding His head in agreeance with me. He was smiling at me. He cares as much for my tears as he does my praises. He doesn’t turn away when I am angry or upset with Him because He knows that I am just being dumb and human. No, He comforts me even though He knows that in three days I will be jumping for joy.

If that doesn’t boggle your minds, I don’t know what will. Being able to read through my hundreds of notebooks and see how many ups and downs I have gone throuhg knowing that God was with me for each and every single one of them is the most beautiful thing. The truth that God would take time to listen to the thoughts if his directionally challenged daughter is true love. I am so lost in this world. I know nothing about life and will never be able to comprehend the ways and reasons God does things.

Even though I try and sometimes trick myself into thinking I know exactly what God is doing, I could have never guessed the things God has done in my life. While it can be frusterating at times, I  hope that God gets a few belly laughs out of my day to day story, I hope He is glad he gave life to a daughter who enjoys the gift.

We were not made to be perfect and can never achieve perfection, no matter how hard we try. The best thing we can do is enjoy the life we have been given. I hope you find comfort in the fact that God is always there and sometimes is laughing out of the love He has for you.

XOXO, The Christian Prepster 


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