I was a scared kid. And from as early as I can remember I could always find something to be afraid of. But thankfully, I have always known of the Lord and was born into a Christian family who strived to live out God’s call towards his followers. And because of that, I dare say that my testimony may be a little boring because I have never gone through something that has caused me to question everything… but I have learned a lot, specifically in this past few years and have gotten over two major struggles and that has changed my life and has deepened my understand of God’s character.
The first is fear, somehow I had the talent of always being afraid. I mean, I was TALENTED in the practice of fear. You could hand me the safest scenario and somehow I could find one, if not two things that would paralyze me with fear. And by fear I mean the fear of messing up, of losing those I love, never reaching my, never the less, God’s goals for my life, and completely and utterly failing in the future. I struggled with my fears for fourteen years. It took a while before I could take a step back and evaluate my life. I would pray prayers asking the Lord to use me in mighty ways yet, at the same time, I was afraid of failing and of messing up. And like I said, It wasn’t until this past year that I was able to realize that this fear I had was a huge problem and not only with me but also with my view of God. Because for the past fourteen years of my life, I have been living in fear and not in faith. The fact that I could find something to be afraid of in every situation meant that I was not trusting God with my whole heart and finding his hand in every situation.
Thankfully, my desire to do great things for God’s glory was way more important to me than feeling comfortable and safe. I prayed and prayed to get rid of fear and I can finally say that fear has no place in my mind, no place in my decision- making, no place in my heart, and definitely no place in my future.
Psalm 32:4 is like my own personal anthem, it says, “I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all of my fears”
I find that verse to be so true because one thing I have learned about the Lord and how he interacts with me is that he is my refuge and my fortress. And a fortress is a strong, high place. It’s the place he lifts me so fear can no longer have access to me. And the great things is that fear can’t catch what it can no longer reach. And because he literally lifted me out of the stronghold that fear had of me, I can now confidently lean on and trust the Lord wholeheartedly.
And the second thing I have struggled with for so long and still sometimes wrestle with is feeling less than and unworthy. Growing up in a Christian home and being the youngest of two amazing older sisters, I felt the need to be perfect. I never felt good enough, like I could make a difference, and I had the tendency to look too far into the things people said to me. And the root of all that fear I had been struggling with was knowing and fearing the fact that I could never reach perfection and could never make the people around me proud. So for fourteen years, I’d been struggling with feeling less than and lonely along with fearing almost everything around me.
But one day, I started reading Genesis and it starts with the creation and for the first time, I realized that Genesis 1 was written with parallel structure. After God created some aspect of the world, he would look back and say that his creation was good. Even when he created Adam and Eve… it says that God saw what he had made and it was good. For the first time, I realized that I was created to be good. I was not created perfect, I am not created to be perfect, to chase perfection, and by no means to reach perfection. Because if I chase perfection and put up this wall of perfection I have built up, then how does the grace of God get through? Trick question… it doesn’t. Once I realized that this weight of perfectionism was lifted from my shoulders and he showed me that in Him, I am fully known and fully loved. He knows my plethora of imperfections like no other and yet still he loves me like no other.
Thankfully, I have always known OF the Lord. But these past years of my life have been life-changing and I now feel like I know the Lord, I know his character and how much he cares for me. He has helped me through some battles and I know that there will be more. But the great thing about God’s character is that he is unwavering. The fact that he has already overcome the world means that he will forever continue overcoming the world, overcoming my fears, and overcoming my feeling of being less than.
XOXO, The Christian Prepster